I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
