i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize