If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
