i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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