I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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