I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
