I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
