One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
