He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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