I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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