You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I did not marry a roomba.
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