There is no way he is gay with that hair.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
