That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
