i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
