Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
