you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have tasted many bathrooms
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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