I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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