my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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