We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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