Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize