you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
