mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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