My friends, they love my intelligence
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
