I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
