You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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