i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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