Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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