Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
