found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
