I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
