He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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