good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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