yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
