I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
