Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
