My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
