why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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