I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
