nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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