I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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