Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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