hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
