awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
