Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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