Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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