Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize