I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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