Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
