I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
