I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
