did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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